Death, Delusions, Dead Horses And Marriage…

zombiekiyaYou know the old saying “no point in beating a dead horse”? It’s true. NO POINT IN BEATING A DEAD HORSE! Whoa. (See what I did there?) This applies to sooo many every day issues. This could turn into one hell of a novel. But for now, we’re going to stick with what I came here for. DEATH. My point? If it’s dead, leave it the hell alone! I don’t care if it’s your dog, your cat, your budgie, your goldfish, the guy you buried in the basement, your ex-husband, (Who coincidentally could be the guy you buried in the basement) or your marriage. If it’s dead, leave it the hell alone. I can’t say this enough! Did you notice? I could say it again? Are you falling asleep? Hey! Pay attention! I saw your eyes glazing over! (But that’s another blog…)

So today’s subject is death. I would like to write a letter to my former in-laws and friends of my now (For many years!) ex. The letter would go something like this:
Dear former in-laws and friends of my ex
How are you? I am fine. (This is the proper and polite way to start a letter, especially when you plan to hit them with a shovel later.) I am writing in regards to my ex, who shall remain nameless. For now we shall refer to him as Horse. I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop, cease and desist in feeding his delusions that we belong together. But.. but you feel bad for him because he is unhappy? Awww. That is so nice of you. Now knock it the hell off. He is dead to me. Why must you encourage him? The relationships he has been in since we broke up have not worked out? You think it is because he still loves me? Of course he does! What’s not to love? But here’s a clue; we did not work out either. The relationships are not working out because he is an ass. Our relationship did not work out because he is an ass. Oh, and for your information, I’m not waiting for him. I’m not in a relationship because I’m so F-ING DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY ALONE! I don’t want him. You can have him. He’s too ass for me!
All my love, The Psycho EX Wife
P.S. I have a shovel, a dirt room, and the skill to use both.

My ex is a dead horse. The marriage died a long, painful, suffering death many years ago. It’s been dead for so long now that there is nothing left for the maggots to feed on. You couldn’t find the ashes to spread them. And let’s be honest, even if there was anything to dig up, it would be a zombie marriage now. Though a zombie marriage would likely be an improvement on the live version.
So, in conclusion, what have we learned today? Not to beat a dead horse. Much as I would like to. There is still so much room in my basement.

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Relationships Are A Responsibility!

Why do people find it so impossible that a woman can be happy alone? I’m happy and I’m alone. Here’s the kicker. I plan to stay this way. No, I don’t hate men. No, I’m not a lesbian. I just happen to really, really, really enjoy being single. why is that so hard for people to accept? Why can’t they just believe I’m happy this way? Why does everyone think I would be even happier if I had a man in my life? Why? Why? Why? I truly could go mad over this issue. So I decided to try and clear things up once and for all. I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall, but what the hell, I’ll try once more.
So let’s start with the basics. Everyone thinks that I don’t want a relationship because I was in a controlling, emotionally abusive marriage a long, long, long ass time ago. People tell me that not all men are like my ex. When they tell me this I freak out! What?! You’re telling me that not all men are douchebags?! Can that possibly be true? I thought all men hit women?! I thought all men cheated?! I thought all men were lousy fathers?! Hold the press! I may have to rethink my whole life! I’ve been a monster! I feel so ashamed! How could I have been so wrong?! But then I remember, oh yeah, I knew that. Duh. I know there are wonderful men out there. My father was one. Can you believe it? I know of a wonderful man! My father was a devoted, loving husband and father. My father could cook and clean circles around pretty much anyone. So, doesn’t that kinda mess with your whole theory?
Moving right along. Then people tell me that if I were to experience a good relationship I would want one. Hate to tell you this, but I’ve had more than one relationship. I’ve dated several guys who were wonderful. I’ve dated guys and even lived with one who treated me like a queen. I’m talking romance movie style. Guys that said things like, My heart, my life, my breath are yours. I’d walk through fire for you. I’d take a bullet for you and die smiling. Trust me, I have been head over heals in love and it was pretty great. Come to think of it – it was wonderful – but I don’t want it. Let me try and explain why.
I have been shopping at the same supermarket for years. The cashiers know me by name. Most of them are pretty nice people and I think most of them like me too. I usually make it to the supermarket a couple times a week and the cashiers are used to me being friendly and funny. I usually enjoy our playful banter as they ring my groceries in. Unfortunately, every once in a while I don’t feel on top of the world. We all have those days where we feel like life has kicked us one too many times. Yet every time I go to the supermarket, the cashiers are waiting for me to bring them a laugh. It can be pretty tiring when you’re just not in the mood to entertain. Now I have a responsibility to the cashiers where I buy groceries. The same thing happens at my bank. In other words relationship = responsibility.
We have many relationships in life. Our family and friends are more complex and take a great deal more time and energy than the relationships we have with the people who work in the store, the bank tellers, the mailperson, etc, but each person, we interact with on a regular basis, is in fact a responsibility. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids. I love having a big family and close friends, but each and every individual is a responsibility. Maybe if I didn’t take that responsibility to heart it would be easier, but if I let you into my life, I owe it to you and to myself to be considerate, kind, funny, and there. In the beginning, in the first years I was alone, I thought I would want to be in a relationship again someday, then around the two year mark I started to really get to know me. I began to enjoy my life without the hindrance of a boyfriend/husband. I love that I don’t have to make an obligatory phone call to a significant other if I make plans. I love that I don’t have to consider a significant other in any decisions that I make. If I want to get a dog/cat/goat I can get one without discussing it with my significant other. I love all that not having a significant other entails.
Now for those of you who still think I will be sorry, or that I’m missing out. Or those who say never say never! I’m not. Who knows? Maybe the $50,000,000 man with the Irish/Scottish accent, who is 6 ft tall, adores my children, and is willing to take a bullet for me will show up and send me for a loop! Until then, don’t take any wooden nickles. Any questions?
P.S. I’m really happy.