My dog may, or may not, have burnt poop popcorn. There is a slight possibility that my want-to-be-a-hippie son burnt popcorn. But if he did, how do you explain the smell of burnt poop? I don’t trust my dog. Something very shifty is going on here.
Let’s start with the facts. One: I’ve never allowed my dog to use the stove before. Not that she has ever asked. Because, holy shit, if my dog asked to use the stove, I’d let her make all popcorn she wanted – burnt or not! Two: If she was going to take up cooking, I’m pretty sure popcorn would not make the short list.
I’ve just had another thought. If the smell of burnt toast means you’re about to seizure – maybe I’m f-ing dying! For the love of god, I’m smelling burnt poop popcorn! This can’t be good! Another thing is that maybe I’m not smelling burnt poop anything. It’s just possible, in fact, more like probable, that I’ve been teleported to some crazy, freaky spaceship, where dog aliens are playing with my brain and I just think I’m smelling burnt poop popcorn! I know it sounds crazy. Right? But it would make perfect sense for dog aliens to make poop popcorn. Though you’d think after mastering flying a freaking spaceship they could make popcorn without burning it!
Why did this have to happen to me? I was asleep in my own bed. I wasn’t bothering anyone! This is just like those movies. The aliens always work at night. But who would have suspected their trusted dog? No one, that’s who! I think my dog hates me. That would explain why she called the dog aliens to come and get me. I should never have allowed her to watch E.T. This explains all those toys she has been dragging outside and throwing around. I thought she was innocently frolicking in the yard, when in fact, she was calling home!
Another thing, the next time I think I have the most brilliant writing experiences in the middle of the night – Pulitzer Prize winning shit – I’ll remind myself that I’m not always the brightest monkey in the box. Though I would like to know where my dog hid the burnt poop popcorn, because honestly, that shit stinks.