Tell Me Again Who Is The Sexual Being

Never Put Salt On a Snail.

I didn’t go to university until I was 31 years old. By that time I was married and had three children. My marriage was not sexless, but honestly, if my husband knew I was even remotely interested in sex, we would literally go weeks without. I could do my hair, put on makeup, dress the way he liked. He wouldn’t so much as glance at me. Then I’d have those days where I was up all night with sick kids, knee deep in dirty diapers, my hair greasy and stringy from not having time for my own shower – That would be the day he suddenly could not resist me. Suddenly I was a sexual goddess.

I’m sure there are those who think my husband found me irresistible because he saw me as this strong, sexy woman taking care of our family. Well all I have to say to that…

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Relationships Are A Responsibility!

Never Put Salt On a Snail.

Why do people find it so impossible that a woman can be happy alone? I’m happy and I’m alone. Here’s the kicker. I plan to stay this way. No, I don’t hate men. No, I’m not a lesbian. I just happen to really, really, really enjoy being single. why is that so hard for people to accept? Why can’t they just believe I’m happy this way? Why does everyone think I would be even happier if I had a man in my life? Why? Why? Why? I truly could go mad over this issue. So I decided to try and clear things up once and for all. I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall, but what the hell, I’ll try once more.
So let’s start with the basics. Everyone thinks that I don’t want a relationship because I was in a controlling, emotionally abusive marriage a…

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Canadian “values”

Recently there have been a LOT of posts going around Facebook (which have led to a LOT of arguments between me and fellow face-bookers) spreading hate and intolerance of other cultures/religions. Let’s be real here:

It spreads hate against Muslims. It spreads the message that all Muslims are terrorists so we shouldn’t allow “them” to wear a burqa at times when we designate it may be a threat to our “safety” (airport security, taking the citizenship oath, out in pubic..). It spreads the message that we shouldn’t take in refugees because “they” *might* be “terrorists”.

It spreads the message that we will continue to ignore the fact that although more violence toward Canadians occurs by OTHER Canadians we will not consider ALL white men terrorists, but because a few radical Muslims have started some shit, all Muslims are therefore, terrorists.

I have heard tons of arguments either way. It’s ridiculous. Recently I have had several arguments specifically regarding the issue of the Burqa. The argument is: We need to ban the Burqa. Rationale? It varies.

  1. Because the Burqa is oppressive. Muslim men FORCE Muslim women to be their slaves and be covered head to toe against their will.
    – Let’s unpack this because it is full of holes. First, not ALL Muslim men consider Muslim women “less than”. The ideas around this are changing every day. Saying ALL Muslim men mistreat their wives is like saying that ALL white men hit their wives. Some do. Some don’t. I also find it funny how many White, Canadian men are against this “mistreatment” of Muslim women but do nothing about living in a patriarchal society that puts them above women in the “importance hierarchy”.
    Further, ask a Muslim Burqa-wearing woman why she wears it. There are many reasons. Not the least of which is because SHE WANTS TO. Because she was taught that wearing a Burqa= dressing conservatively. Banning a Burqa is akin to banning pants and turtlenecks for Canadian women. Really unfair.
    Banning the Burqa also oppresses Muslim women. You are taking away their CHOICE. Instead of saying that Muslim women can wear what they want when they come to Canada, you are saying that they can only wear the clothing that makes us more comfortable.. even if it means they feel exposed, vulnerable, and embarrassed by their dress.
  2. It’s a safety issue.
    – Because you cannot see their faces, women in Burqas could be anyone. Literally anyone! Nevermind the fact that my drivers license photo looks completely different from my passport photo which looks different from my current look… I mean, I could be *gasp* anyone… In a society where we dye our hair, get colour contacts, and undergo plastic surgery, seeing someones “face” does not = security.
    More than that, please cite me one example of a terrorist coming to this country dressed as a Muslim woman in a Burqa, and performed an act of terror.. Seeing a person’s face will NOT stop them from terrorist actions if that is the path they are travelling on. Likewise, not seeing someone’s face will not make them a terrorist.
  3. It is disrespectful to Canadian values.
    – BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay, now that I am finished laughing… let’s look for a second at Canadian Values as stated in the Magna Carta (The Great Charter of Freedoms)

    • Freedom of conscience and religion;
      -Translation: You get to believe in any religion you want, and it upholds Canadian values!
    • Freedom of thought, belief, opinion and expression, including freedom of speech and of the press;
      -Translation: You can have any belief or opinion you want, and still uphold Canadian values!
    • Freedom of peaceful assembly; and
    • Freedom of association.
      -Translation: You can associate with whomever you want and still uphold Canadian values!

      • Mobility Rights — Canadians can live and work anywhere they choose in Canada, enter and leave the country freely, and apply for a passport.
      • Aboriginal Peoples’ Rights — The rights guaranteed in the Charter will not adversely affect any treaty or other rights or freedoms of Aboriginal peoples.
      • Official Language Rights and Minority Language Educational Rights — French and English have equal status in Parliament and throughout the government.
      • Multiculturalism — A fundamental characteristic of the Canadian heritage and identity. Canadians celebrate the gift of one another’s presence and work hard to respect pluralism and live in harmony.
        -Let’s highlight this one because it is very relevant. This days that a fundamental Canadian value is to respect other cultures and live in harmony with them. What this doesn’t say is that we are to assimilate them, ban parts of their culture or religion, or impose our lifestyle onto them.

    There is also this piece to being a citizen:

    Citizenship Responsibilities

    In Canada, rights come with responsibilities. These include:

    • Obeying the law — One of Canada’s founding principles is the rule of law. Individuals and governments are regulated by laws and not by arbitrary actions. No person or group is above the law.
    • Taking responsibility for oneself and one’s family — Getting a job, taking care of one’s family and working hard in keeping with one’s abilities are important Canadian values. Work contributes to personal dignity and self-respect, and to Canada’s prosperity.
    • Serving on a jury — When called to do so, you are legally required to serve. Serving on a jury is a privilege that makes the justice system work as it depends on impartial juries made up of citizens.
    • Voting in elections — The right to vote comes with a responsibility to vote in federal, provincial or territorial and local elections.
    • Helping others in the community — Millions of volunteers freely donate their time to help others without pay—helping people in need, assisting at your child’s school, volunteering at a food bank or other charity, or encouraging newcomers to integrate. Volunteering is an excellent way to gain useful skills and develop friends and contacts.
    • Protecting and enjoying our heritage and environment — Every citizen has a role to play in avoiding waste and pollution while protecting Canada’s natural, cultural and architectural heritage for future generations.

      Nowhere in here do I read anything about dress.

      Maybe more “Canadians” should uphold Canadian values and stop trying to tell other people how to be more “Canadian”.Just sayin’.

Women Love Misogyny

mansworld

We live in a misogynist society. I hear this word brandied about by pretty much everyone these days. Politicians, clergy, women’s groups, celebrities have all seemingly jumped on the soapbox to make a better world for women. The barrage of articles dealing with education, rape culture, genital mutilation are everywhere. Well I applaud these individuals and groups for putting women at the forefront in this modern society, I have to suggest that it is, to me, very clear, that women are largely responsible for keeping us under the patriarchal thumb. I’m sure that many women who read this will think I’m being too anal with my views. It will indeed be women, who think I’m just some bitter, old woman. I’d be the last to say I haven’t had some issues from my own experiences that have caused me to be a little set in my ways. That said, I will give you a prime example of things that drive me completely insane. These are little stories or posts, that women in particular, are sharing on social media. Posts, that I believe, continue to perpetrate our worthlessness and ingrain in the minds of women and men, boys and girls, the world over, that we are here to be subservient to our masters — men.

So let’s start with one of my favorite  examples:

Burnt Toast

When I was a kid, my Mom liked to cook for us and usually there would be nothing interesting about that.

But one night in particular when she had made dinner after a long hard day at work, Mom placed a plate of jam and extremely burned toast in front of my Dad. I was waiting to see if anyone noticed the burnt toast. But Dad just ate his toast and asked me about my day at school. I don’t remember what I told him that night, but I do remember I heard Mom apologizing to Dad for burning the toast. And I’ll never forget what he said: “Honey, I love burned toast.”

Later that night, I went to hug Dad good night and I asked him if he really liked his toast burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, “Your Mom put in a long hard day at work today and she was really tired. And besides, burnt toast never hurt anyone but harsh words do! You know, life is full of imperfect things and imperfect people I’m no exception; I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else.”

What I’ve come to appreciate over the years is that learning to accept each others faults and choosing to celebrate each others differences, is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship. Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat you right and have compassion for the ones who don’t.

So, once everyone is done wiping their tears away and able to focus, let’s begin. I know many/most of you are thinking how could I possibly find anything wrong with this lovely story. Hold on a minute, well I give my blood a chance to stop boiling. What could I possibly find wrong? How long are you here? I have seen this shared on social media by many women; some educated; some not. The one thing each of these women had in common was the awe factor. Each of these women shared this story dreaming, that they too might be so blessed, to have a man such as this in their life. Many of the women likely had a tear in their eye as this story pulled at their heartstrings. Bravo. This story did precisely what it was supposed to do. Written by a man, once a boy, taught an invaluable lesson by a talented misogynist.

What I would like to know, is why did no one have a problem with this story? Was it because the wonderful father/husband admitted his own shortcomings? After all, here was a man who admitted to being imperfect. Here was a man who would forget birthdays and anniversaries! The horror! The humanity! Did no one have a problem with the fact that,  “my Mom liked to cook for us and usually there would be nothing interesting about that”.? Well geez whiz, mom was probably just not that interesting. No one took issue with, “Your Mom put in a long hard day at work today and she was really tired.“? So, let me get this straight… dad knew mom put in a long, hard day at work, but he couldn’t make his own toast? Would it have killed dad to make a real impact on his children and suggest that maybe mom should relax and he would make supper? I’m sure dad worked that day too, but everyone at the table knew that this had been a particularly hard day for mom. Yet everyone was content to sit at the table and let boring, old mom wait on them. I think if we look a little closer we might see that maybe, just maybe, mom was being passive aggressive when she presented dad with the extremely burned toast. Maybe mom was hoping dad would open that can of worms, but dad knew better. Dad knew this was no ordinary can of worms. This was a can of whoopass. He was smart enough to know that he should just smile and tell mom “Honey, I love burned toast” He knew to open the can might result in a future of making his own toast. He knew mom would get over it. She always did. I wonder if good old dad stepped up and cleaned up the supper mess, made sure homework was done, or took care of any of the countless jobs mom still had to do before it was her turn to relax.. Likely not – that was not his job.

I know many of you will think I’m a man hater. I’m not. It simply drives me completely insane when women post/share these stories on social media. Before I’m done reading this garbage I’m always aware of the collective sigh heard from women the world over. The awe factor is driven out of the ballpark by an all women team. Is there an important message in this post? Yes. The message for women is to stop being a doormat — stop expected service. I don’t think I’m asking too much. I’m simply asking that you read between the lines, before you share such crap.

Gillean Ollsin

Post-hysterectomy update

A while ago, a long while, I know, I told you all the I was having a hysterectomy. I told you about my struggles with cervical cancer, I told you about my struggles with sex and my partnership. (If you haven’t been here long enough to know what I am talking about..read back a few. You’ll catch up quick! Oh- and get tested for cancer!)

So, after a hysterectomy, what changed? Let us look at the list together:

1. Emotions. I am way less emotional on a day-to-day basis. I am not afraid of hearing that word.. cancer. I am not worried, or angry. Some days the reality that I will NEVER have the choice to be a parent again sinks in and hits me a bit too hard. It can be a bit heavy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want any more, nor do I believe that I will, but when the choice is taken from you it is just so, so..Final. Period. That’s it. Final.

2. Sex. Let’s just go there. I know you’re thinking about it- is it better? Yes and no. I do not have the pain I used to. It is really great 90% of the time. Some days though, I feel like I got hit with a bat in the uterus.. even though I no longer have one. Phantom pains? Other body parts caving in to gravity? Not sure yet. That part is still under investigation. I still think it is a HUGE improvement. And then- funny thing- even if you still have ovaries you can experience a drop in estrogen levels. You know what that means? I means you need to use a lot of lubrication! (I am of the mind that you can never have too much in the first place). So we have had to adapt our bedtime practices a bit, but now we at least have some bedtime practices!

3.Relationships. My relationship with my partner has gotten much better, and stronger, having gone through all of this together. My relationship with my family is better. My kids get a happier side of me more often. And my relationship with my doctor is way more comfortable, which makes it more efficient for us both.

I’m not going to tell you it is all roses. It isn’t. I have scars, I have pains, I have a whole new system to work out. It is kind of like entering puberty all over again and having to figure out how my shit works from the very beginning. But it is better. For me.

By sunspot615 Posted in Blogs

The Stepmom

I am the stepmother of two children.
I know what it is like to constantly straddle the line between loving your stepchildren, and not stepping on their mother’s toes.
I know the way it makes your heart smile when one of your step kids accidentally calls you “mom”.
I also know the way it sinks a little when they say “you aren’t my mom”.
I know the fear of messing up someone else’s child’s life.
I know the feeling of being judged.
The feeling that if you have a messy, terrible, rotten, no-good, “the-nine-year-old-just-spent-the-day-at-school-in-the-five-year-old’s-pants” kind of day you can laugh it off if that day involves your own child, but it is twice as stressful when it is “their” child.
I know the juggling act between trying to discipline, but not seem like you are picking on, your step children.
I know it is hard, and stressful, and scary, and not at all the plan.
But I also know that it is wonderful to be part of a step child’s life, and even though you will never be their “real mom” you will always have a little space carved out with your name on their heart.

I am also the mother of a son who has a step-mom.
I understand you. I understand you try your best. I understand that on some level you feel you have to try to measure up to me. Or that I may judge you harshly. Or that I may blame you for my child’s failures.
I might. I might, in the heat of the moment be frustrated that you don’t parent him like I do.
Or that you are “trying to be his mom”…
I want you to know, however, that I don’t really feel that way.
I am thankful that you love and care for my child.
I am grateful that when I cannot be there, you are.
I was not expecting to like you. I wasn’t expecting to befriend you.
Well, I do. And I did. And I am glad you are in my corner.
I am also happy to share his heart with you.
Thank you for your effort. And support. And for befriending me, so that we can both be part of his life all the time, not just during “our time”.
Thank you for entering his life, and mine.

By sunspot615 Posted in Blogs

Behind the wall that is my anxiety.

You may have noticed this blog hasn’t been very active recently. You can thank Gill’s puppies and my anxiety for that. Gill is busy cleaning up literal shit All. Day. Long. Put pups out. Let pups in. Clean up shit. Repeat. She’ll be back soon.

I, in similar fashion, have been trying to clean up figurative shit. I have been locked in my head, sorting through the kind of shit that anxiety creates, for weeks now. In the wake of Robin Williams’ death, it seems fitting to talk about my own struggles with a mental illness… So that is what I will attempt to do here.
What is it like to be trapped in your own head? It sucks. It is crowded. It is scary. It is hard.

My typical day consists of talking myself down from one worry after another, after another, after another, and trying to organize, clean, create, or exercise, at a level that causes many of my friends and family to wonder if I have some sort of OCD (and I probably do), to keep the level of anxiety low. Luckily, I have kids so there is ALWAYS something to clean and organize. Unfortunately, I have kids so there is always something to worry about.

Bills. Kids.Groceries. Cats. Degus. Hamster. Baby. Teething. Diapers. Dishes. Laundry. Sleep. Naptime. Schedule. Classes. Back to School. Workout. Organize. Supper. Lunch. Cleaning. Shower. Vitamins. Wedding. Money. Loans. Moles. Cancer. Surgery. Appointments. Anxiety. Blog. Migraine. Mail. Books. Textbooks. Rent. Sex. Pills. Refills. Activities. Babysitters. Dust. Reorganize. Garbage. Ligthbulb. Costco. Walmart. Crowds. People. Friends. Time. Driving. Journal. Makeup. Clothing. Smile. Custody. Support. Holidays. Christmas. Birthdays. Anniversary. Rinse. Repeat.

These things and more pop into my head all day long. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Like I can’t think. Like I can’t keep up. 
Then I get emotional. Then I get grumpy. Then I worry about being grumpy and how it effects other people. It is worse if I am trying to talk myself down from an anxious thought, and someone needs something at that exact moment. Then I am really grumpy, but mostly because I can’t think, and then I feel guilty, which makes the anxiety worse.

My medications aren’t working lately. I’m feeling worse. It’s exhausting. It doesn’t stop. Even when my medications work it dulls the physical symptoms, breathlessness, racing heart, migraines, sleeplessness, panic, but the thoughts keep running. 24.7; 365. That is what it is like to live with anxiety. That is my struggle. And my excuse for not blogging. 

More medications to come, followed by… more blogs? Here’s hoping!

 

By sunspot615 Posted in Blogs

I am pregnant. You are pregnant. We are pregnant… or not?

I am  feminist. I believe in paying people what they are worth, regardless of their physical anatomy, treating people with respect and kindness, equality and everything that goes with it. I have a feminist partner, who also believes in equality and treating everyone with respect and kindness. I completely agree that both men and women are capable of earning money, staying home with kids, and making their own personal decisions to do either or both. My partner works outside of the home, and I stay home with our kids for now. At times in our relationship we have both worked, and therefore both share household responsibilities, and child rearing. I am thrilled that men are more involved in the lives of their children than they have been in past generations.

Why am I mentioning all of this? I recently saw a post on Facebook sharing an article about how men should stop saying “we’re pregnant”. The poster’s comment was “I agree. My husband has the same kid as me but without the stretch marks”. I immediately felt annoyed, and a little bit sorry for men like my partner. Women cannot decide what we want. We have miles to go to achieve anything resembling true equality, and I completely understand that men do not go through the physical symptoms of labour. Trust me. Every part of me hurt, I felt ill all the time, didn’t sleep, and got annoyed when my partner would jokingly comment that he was “tired too” or “sympathy eating”. 
However, I hear women all the time talk about how they wish their partners would be more involved in the pregnancy, and birth, and child rearing. It is difficult for men to get involved as they don’t physically carry the child, but they can go to doctors appointments, feel for kicks, and be there in a loving supportive way. In my opinion, my partner saying “we’re pregnant” or “we’re having a baby” was his way of being excited and showing that we were in this together. 
I would think that this would be a good thing. Unfortunately, women say they want men to be more involved, and then complain and give them shit for their attempts… do we want them to be involved or not? If the answer is “yes” then for the love of the universe just le them be involved! Stop taking everything so damn literally!! Of course he knows he isn’t actually pregnant! (If he doesn’t know you might want to kick him the the junk and explain that if he wants to trot around acting like he is going through the same pain as you that during labour there will be one kick every couple of minutes for countless hours… might put it into perspective.)

I’m just sayin’… figure out what you want… and when men start trying to actually do what it is we ask of them, give them some credit… after all, anyone who has potty trained a puppy knows that it can be a slow process but any step in the right direction is celebration-worthy. 

By sunspot615 Posted in Blogs

If you are an asshole driver you should probably read this…

Have you ever noticed those ” baby on board” signs on cars? If you haven’t, they are little stickers you can put on your vehicle warning other drivers that they should stop driving like assholes because you have a baby in the car.
There are two problems with these. First, the stickers are so small that the person has to already be driving on your bumper to read the warning. People who put tiny bumper stickers and warnings on their cars about not riding their asses are just inviting people to hit them! People are generally curious and want to read your stupid two point font bumper sticker and are willing to ride your bumper and take their attention off the road in order to do so.
Secondly, how about a sign that says “human on board”? I mean, I realise that even I myself am more cautious and wary of stupid drivers when my kids are in the car with me. That said, I don’t have any more of a desire to die in a fiery crash if my kids aren’t with me. Do any of you want to be in an accident just because there was an absence of mini-humans in your car? I don’t see any hands…
Frankly, if you need a tiny warning sticker telling you that there is an infant present in order to recognise that getting to an appointment on time isn’t worth killing someone, maybe you shouldn’t be driving. Asshole.

By sunspot615 Posted in Blogs

I’m Only Human So Don’t Piss Me Off

fwordYou know what I’m not? I’m not a robot. I’m not one of those holier-than-thou people who spew forth goodness, but in reality are just as terrible in real life as you and me. You know who I mean. We all know one or two. Every morning their social media explodes with colourful, flowery, powerful affirmations to get us through our day.
Holy Mofo. Sorry about the language! Namaste. Hah! They drive me completely insane – mostly because you really don’t want to turn your back on these people. Now I’m not saying there are no genuinely wonderful people out there. Of course there are. I’m living proof. (Okay, sit down in the back. It’s called a freaking joke. Sheesh!) But the truly genuine, wonderful people are not afraid to let off some steam.
Now I’m not saying I know everything. (Which of course I do, but you already knew that because you’ve read this blog before and keep coming back for more because we are impossible to resist. I apologise in advance for the addiction, but we really needed the followers in order for our world domination plan to work, so we use subliminal drugs to keep you coming back. I’d love to take the credit for our powerful writing prowess, but it’s the drugs. Really. Would I lie? Of course I would. Wow. You really have been here before! As if you had any choice.) I do however, know a little. I can tell you it is human nature to get a little pissed off from time to time. In fact it is human nature to feel your blood rushing through your veins as though you are about to EXPLODE! So, if I feel my blood start rushing, I do what comes naturally. I talk to someone. I explain why I’m upset. And depending on how pissed off I am, I may talk to others before I talk to you. Is this gossip? Not if it’s true. Am I being malicious? No. I’m saving your life. NAMASTE! I’m letting off a little steam so that when I next talk to you we will both come away with all our limbs intact. You know why? Because I don’t want to kill anyone. Because deep down I am a nice person. Because I don’t want to hurt anyone. Because there is a very good chance I care about you. And the number 1 reason to talk to someone else first? Maybe, (doubtful, but it could happen.) just maybe, I’m wrong. Or maybe that someone else will give me another perspective. Maybe they can see clearly that you did not intentionally piss me off/hurt me/ etc.
In short, I will never make a promise to never talk behind your back because doing so might save our relationship. (Also, I don’t look good in orange jumpsuits) I would love to be perfect. I would love to never judge another human being. But honestly, I’m human. I do make mistakes. I’m just smart enough to not tell you. Hypocritical? Absolutely.