You may have noticed this blog hasn’t been very active recently. You can thank Gill’s puppies and my anxiety for that. Gill is busy cleaning up literal shit All. Day. Long. Put pups out. Let pups in. Clean up shit. Repeat. She’ll be back soon.
I, in similar fashion, have been trying to clean up figurative shit. I have been locked in my head, sorting through the kind of shit that anxiety creates, for weeks now. In the wake of Robin Williams’ death, it seems fitting to talk about my own struggles with a mental illness… So that is what I will attempt to do here.
What is it like to be trapped in your own head? It sucks. It is crowded. It is scary. It is hard.
My typical day consists of talking myself down from one worry after another, after another, after another, and trying to organize, clean, create, or exercise, at a level that causes many of my friends and family to wonder if I have some sort of OCD (and I probably do), to keep the level of anxiety low. Luckily, I have kids so there is ALWAYS something to clean and organize. Unfortunately, I have kids so there is always something to worry about.
Bills. Kids.Groceries. Cats. Degus. Hamster. Baby. Teething. Diapers. Dishes. Laundry. Sleep. Naptime. Schedule. Classes. Back to School. Workout. Organize. Supper. Lunch. Cleaning. Shower. Vitamins. Wedding. Money. Loans. Moles. Cancer. Surgery. Appointments. Anxiety. Blog. Migraine. Mail. Books. Textbooks. Rent. Sex. Pills. Refills. Activities. Babysitters. Dust. Reorganize. Garbage. Ligthbulb. Costco. Walmart. Crowds. People. Friends. Time. Driving. Journal. Makeup. Clothing. Smile. Custody. Support. Holidays. Christmas. Birthdays. Anniversary. Rinse. Repeat.
These things and more pop into my head all day long. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Like I can’t think. Like I can’t keep up.
Then I get emotional. Then I get grumpy. Then I worry about being grumpy and how it effects other people. It is worse if I am trying to talk myself down from an anxious thought, and someone needs something at that exact moment. Then I am really grumpy, but mostly because I can’t think, and then I feel guilty, which makes the anxiety worse.
My medications aren’t working lately. I’m feeling worse. It’s exhausting. It doesn’t stop. Even when my medications work it dulls the physical symptoms, breathlessness, racing heart, migraines, sleeplessness, panic, but the thoughts keep running. 24.7; 365. That is what it is like to live with anxiety. That is my struggle. And my excuse for not blogging.
More medications to come, followed by… more blogs? Here’s hoping!