Now Hiring: Bride

You can count on some things in life.

  1. You will run into your ex the ONE day you are in a rush because you are out of milk and have four screaming kids at home so you run to WalMart without make up and still in your worst pair of pajamas.
  2. Your computer will crash and/or your printer will stop printing the day before a major writing deadline.
  3. Planning your wedding will make you question, daily, whether or not you should be getting married in the first place.


Let’s talk about number three for a second. I was the one who got proposed to. I assume that means it is my partners desire to marry me.. right? You’re all thinking, of course. Why are you being an idiot and even questioning it? Look at that ring on your hand! Shut up and LOOK, dammit!


Okay. OKAY! I looked. But you know what? You plan a wedding. You’ll see. You say “I need addresses for your family so I can send the invitations”. He says “MMhmm” and two months later… still no addresses. You say “You need to ask the people you want to be your groomsmen so if anyone says no we can find replacements”. He says “yeah.. uh, next week.” Which turns into the next, nope the one after that –oh wait, maybe next week?


He doesn’t have an opinion on anything EXCEPT the one thing you have already decided on without him… the flowers! WTF?!  So, there’s that. The groom is too lazy to jump on the wedding bandwagon and it leaves you feeling that maybe he doesn’t feel like getting married anyway.


Then, there is the “I want to plan a stress-free wedding”. This is stressful. I want it to be fun, and laid back. I tell my bridesmaids to pick a dress they are comfortable in. I want them to look like themselves. I want them to feel comfy. “How long should it be?” “What fabric?” “Straps? No straps?” “Should I wear high heels? What’s everyone else wearing?” “You’re going to have to pick it out for me, I have no idea what you want.”
Umm… It’s supposed to be stress-free. Pick what you want. Translation: Don’t bug me about it!


I want the food to be low-maintenance. Cabbage rolls. Hamburgers. Hell, I would do subs! “You can’t do hamburgers at a wedding! People will be expecting real food.” Well… whose wedding is it anyway? (Meanwhile guilt stabs at me like a serial killer).


I chose a small, lightweight, white dress. Not a gown. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES PEOPLE HAVE SAID I WILL REGRET NOT HAVING A GOWN?!

Cut my hair because I prefer short. If I decide I want it long for the wedding I will do extensions. Nope. Should have kept it long. Need to lose weight. Whose doing my makeup? I can’t seriously be considering wearing slippers can I?


I don’t really like flowers, but we HAVE to have some. Would prefer a small gathering, but have to invite everyone who ever said hi to me, out of guilt.. Guilt and fear that one of them will end up being a serial killer and I will be stabbed for real… at my wedding..


I really shouldn’t be getting married. Apparently I know nothing about weddings, and my groom doesn’t “Feel like” a wedding anyway. Anyone want to plan a stress-free, low-maintenance wedding? Now filling the position of BRIDE.


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