Dear Jenny Lawson – Forgive Us Our Sins

poopblogDear Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess

I am writing to inform you of a recent tragedy involving your book Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. I would first like to point out that your publisher is cheaping out on the quality of paper on which your precious words are written. Had your publisher acquired high quality rubber or plastic pages, I would not, in fact, be writing to you now. You see, Jenny, (May I call you Jenny or do you prefer your Bloggess?) on or about April the 25th 2014 at approximately 7:34 p.m. your book was desecrated beyond recognition by a four-day-old baby. I would hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive the child as she knows not what she did. Though we are still reeling from this most horrific event, I assure you that we will do our utmost to make certain that the baby in question is raised to worship your words and will most assuredly join the ranks of your faithful followers one day when she is of an appropriate age. We would, however, understand if you were to punish her by way of excommunication, to set an example for others. Still, I feel the need to reiterate that the babe cannot be held wholly responsible as your publisher must take responsibility for the low grade paper on which your illustrious words are written. Had your publisher taken the proper precautions, there would be no need to explain, how an otherwise innocent baby, could wantonly and with undue force projectile feces across a room onto and into the pages of your wondrous book.
It was with heavy heart that The Church of Jenny in our community lay to rest your holy book. I would now ask, nay, beg that you speak with your publisher immediately in hope that we can avert further tragedies. I would also ask that you trouble yourself not with worry for our loss as we will be passing the collection plate at the grave-site, where many of your followers have gathered and set up camp, to raise the funds needed for our new book. We know in our hearts that the original can never be replaced, but we hope that the new book will in time help us to heal. We will also be raising funds for a bullet-proof, fire-proof glass case in which to keep our most precious holy book to prevent what would most certainly be future soilings.
Good day and bloggess,
Your faithful followers,
Gillean Ollsin
Sarah Mandigo

bad-taxidermy-squirrel A token of our affection.

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