I Won The Lottery! (The Universe Is A LIAR!)

lotteryI’d like to know what a decent person has to do around here to win the lottery. Seriously. I’ve read all these stupid ask the universe books. I’ve got my little vision box on the table next to my bed. Every once in a while I check to make sure all my dreams are still in there. And guess what? They are. What the hell, universe, I thought all I had to do was ask? So far Brad has not left Angelina. And now George is actually engaged to some posh human right’s lawyer! So now I don’t get the vacation home in Italy! Why the hell did I waste my time cutting out all those little pictures if you weren’t going to let me have ANY of the things I’m asking for? Okay, so maybe Brad and George aren’t things. But you said I could have WHATEVER I WANT! LIAR! Do you know how many doctor’s offices I had to sit in to get those pictures? What, did you think I was going to buy the magazines? Do you know how dangerous it is to cut out pictures in a doctor’s office? Pretty sure the doctor would be very happy with me because I was keeping him in business. Some of those women fought hard for those magazines. Pretty selfish if you ask me.

Anyhow, about that lottery. I bought a ticket tonight. Any chance you could see your way clear to letting me win this one? I actually suspect I have the winning ticket. You know why? Because it’s only $5,000,000. Seriously. How am I supposed to survive on that? If you’re going to let me win the lottery, I don’t know why you have to be so cheap about it.  See, I’ve been promising a lot of people that when I win I’ll help them out. How can I do that with a mere pittance? I was planning on feeding some starving people, universe. I’ve been a good girl. Have you heard about karma? Maybe you should look it up. I’m pretty sure you’re behind on my payments!

P.S. Don’t tell Sarah I’m winning. she is one of those pesky people I promised to help!


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