Sybil Has A Penis.

love yourselfMy head needs a “no vacancy” sign. What is going on? Too many thoughts at once. It has been one of those weeks. In my case, one of those lifetimes. What?! No really – what?! The issue on today’s agenda? Sybil has a penis.
Sybil, like many other women, has a problem. They have begun to think with their penis. Okay, to be clear, Sybil does not actually have a penis. So somebody please, for the love of god, explain to me what is going on? Because I really, really, REALLY want to know. Sybil, like those many women, is not a stupid woman. She is bright, articulate, educated. She has not needed anyone to look after her since she was a little girl. But something has come over her lately. Something has taken possession of her brain. Is it male hormones? Is she a man trapped in a woman’s body, you ask? Good questions! But sadly, no. She is lonely. Sit down, Sybil. I told you you weren’t going like this!
Sybil started dating this guy a while back. Unfortunately, he turned out to be a bit of an idiot and she dumped him. Ever since then, she has been looking for a replacement. Now, I don’t have a problem with a replacement. I have a problem with her desperation. She isn’t thinking rationally. She dates the kind of men that you date when you are young and stupid and don’t know better. In fact, she dates worse. She dates men that she doesn’t particularly like. She even dates men that she thinks would rape her. Now I know you’re all thinking “No way! Not Sybil!” Yes. Sybil.
Let me set up the scenario. She went on a date. The guy drives her home after said date. Sybil allows the guy to escort her to her door. He steps in to say good night. Then he moves in for a kiss. This isn’t just any kiss. Sybil explains to me later that he was very aggressive. He was very “hands on”. Luckily, for Sybil, her roommate came home and interrupted the “kiss”. The next day, Sybil tells me, she believes that if her roommate had not come home, her date might not have stopped.
“So you’re telling me, you think he would have raped you?” I asked.
“Yeah.” She hesitated, “I think so.”
This is the point where your friend tells you what a f-wad the guy is and that they will never see him again. Right? Wrong. Sybil says she is attracted to him. She doesn’t know why. She says he gives her a bad feeling. Something is off. She thinks he looks like the devil. But she is attracted to his bad boy persona. Did I mention that Sybil is no dummy? Yes. I. Did. So what the hell is going on? Why, is she going to knowingly place herself in danger? Now I know that a lot of you are going to be super pissed off at what I am about to say. Trust me. I don’t care what you are wearing. I don’t care if you are dancing naked in front of a hundred men. You are not asking to be raped. NO MEANS NO! No one ever has the right to rape you! However, if you go on a date with a man, you believe may be dangerous. If you purposely, put yourself in a situation, where you will be alone with someone that you believe is capable of rape… YOU ARE ASKING FOR IT! I don’t smear myself with blood and go swimming in shark infested waters. You know why? Because I don’t want to eaten by sharks!
Sybil says she got used to having a physical relationship. She says she now needs sex. I tried to tell her this is why god gave her hands. She says she has a vibrator, but she is used to the real deal now. She needs the skin on skin contact. Nothing can replace it. I tell her rape is not fun. She tells me she will be careful. Well thank goodness for that! Break out the champagne glasses! Sybil is going to be careful! Hot diggedy dog! I feel so relieved. Except, that I’m LYING. I don’t feel relieved. What I feel, is the urge to reach out and slap her – really hard. Maybe slap some sense into her.
So here is the deal. Sybil is one of many. One of an army of women, desperately looking for a man to fill some empty space inside. A space they need to fill themselves. So they use the excuse that they are horny. They need sex. They got used to having it. What a cop out. How do the women who have been in a relationship for twenty years and suddenly find themselves single get by? COP OUT! Stop lying to everyone. Stop lying to yourself. You’re lonely. I get that. You want a relationship? Go ahead. Find Mr. Right. (Sorry. I gagged.) But for the love of god, love yourself first. Take a class. Take a trip. Join a club. Do something. Just stop making sex your excuse for dating losers.


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