Psychopaths In The Neighborhood…

i_am_not_crazy____pun_t_shirt_design___by_mikaeltrondsen-d4m6elhSo today was going to be a simple, run of the mill story about the dangers of internet dating, but then I had a real life encounter with a psychopath. So now I need to warn you about both! By that I mean psychopaths online and in real life. We’ll start online because those people are crazy.

Sometimes life becomes complicated when you realize that you may actually be related to someone seriously dangerous. Here is the crazy conversation I had with my cousin last night via text. I’m going to change someone’s name to protect the innocent. (Me) Because I don’t want my cousin to know who I am talking about. So for this episode, we’ll call her Sybil.

Sybil:  Are you behaving tonight?

Me: Badly. Drunk.

Sybil: Good for you. Safest place for it.

Me: Under the bridge?! Are you spying on me?!

Sybil: Of course. I’m in the troll outfit. (She also sent terrifying face of Satan with text)

Me: I knew I smelled something.

Sybil: You’re too kind! Eau de goat. My own blend. (She blends goats?!)

Me: I liked your old perfume: Kitty de Litter.

Sybil: I had to quit using it. Bits kept dropping into my goat lunch adding an unnecessary crunchiness.

Me: Is that what was yellowing your teeth? Kitty urine is so hard on enamel!

Sybil: My fangs you mean? No. They were always yellow. A nice sunshine color, I always thought.

Me: Well yes, until they became stained by the blood of your suitors.

Sybil: Suitors and dressers. But they asked for it. Showing up without even a tender kid. I kid you not they would say. So I ate them instead.

Me (now terrified to stop): Hey, at least you got a free meal out of them!

Sybil: Exactly. Had to ditch the cars in the river. (Explains how she knew I was under bridge) Time consuming.

Me: Should have just parked them in my neighborhood.

Sybil: That would have taken care of it.

Last week Sybil explained her diabolical plan to take unsuspecting internet dates swimming with sharks. She plans to make jewelry out of what is left. She said matching toes for earrings, big toes for pendant. She is going to call them toe-kens. Get it? Tokens of their affection! This is the kind of situation people are walking into every day! One day you are chatting and calling the soul-mate you met online – the next you are a toe-ken. I’m kind of surprised that Sybil hasn’t designed shoes yet. Pretty sure she would add a soul-mate or two to the bottom.

All I’m saying, people, is keep your eyes open! Be aware. Unless you want to date Sybil. It’s true, there is no free lunch!

Now my real life run in with a psychopath. I was sitting at my computer beginning my blog when our dogs began barking. I was not the only one home, but no one went to the door. So I did. I peered cautiously through the window first. Then slowly opened the door. A complete stranger stood on my front step, carrying a large bag on one shoulder. I knew immediately that she was going to stab me with the weapon in her hand.

“Gillean Ollsin?” she asked.

“Yes.”

See how stupid I was? The psychopath even knew my name! It was only a matter of minutes until I was someone’s lunch. I do have insanely nice toes. Had Sybil sent her? Did I know too much? Do psychopaths have a union? Do they all know each other? Do they all look the same? Okay, now you’re just being racist. Not even funny.

So it turns out that the psychopath was not actually a psychopath, just a mail carrier. But you see how dangerous this world is? Do you see the situation I knowingly put myself in? Not good. Think next time, that’s all I’m saying.

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