I’m a Genius and this is Important Shit.

helenI’m the kind of person that people go to with their problems. I think the reason for this, is that they want good advice and since I’m so smart and have the perfect life, they think they can trust me. (Which of course, they totally can) Now I don’t mean to blow my own horn – except I totally do or I wouldn’t be on here telling you this- but I give the best advice! If you have a cold, I might suggest chicken soup. Then again, I might suggest that you find every enemy you ever had and French kiss them. Haven’t you always wanted to make your enemies sick? Wouldn’t you love to see those mofos hacking phlegm and snot all over their shoes? Of course you do. Nothing would be more fun. Well maybe shark fishing with my ex-husband’s head.
For the next few minutes we are going to imagine a tranquil meadow covered with our favorite wild flowers. Aren’t they beautiful? The colors so vibrant. Breathe… breathe. You can also hum if you like. Humming totally helps! (Unless a bear or fire breathing dragon show up in your meadow. Then you should shut the hell up.) I’m pretty sure my soul is smiling now. I feel so much love! Remember, when we hate others, we keep ourselves in prison! Love is the answer. Unless you have a pet shark and there isn’t any evidence. Then sharks are definitely the answer.
The thing about being a genius is that I feel so good when I give advice to the people I care about. Another thing that is nice, is how they always follow my advice to the letter! And why wouldn’t they? I mean, if I’m a fricking genius, why would they not do as I say? They came to me for advice. Right? They ask what they should do. Right? They must think I know a thing or two about something. Right? Right.
So then here’s the thing, why don’t they take the fricking advice?! Why did they spend hours talking to me and asking all these important life changing questions, when they weren’t going to do as I advised?! Why did they waste my time? Where can I buy a shark? What time is it on Mars? Seriously, do Martians switch to daylight saving time?
My cousin had a squirrel once that threw acorns all over her driveway. Pretty sure she had it coming.


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