Hating The Man

You know what the hippies were right about? I’ll tell you. They were right about The Man. It’s true. The man is out to get you. No I am not paranoid. No I have not been smoking anything. I’m just telling a universal truth. The old saying – you can’t fight city hall – it’s true. Now I know there are bigger issues in the world. I know children are starving. (Don’t even get me started on that one!) I know there are wars and atrocities that we cannot even begin to fathom. Trust me. I know. I try to keep up. Bradley Manning and Edward Snowden will be granted asylum at my house forever. (The Man is behind these as well.)
Shit. Well, that kind of took the wind out of my sails. I was ready to REALLY swear and everything! Now, I’m feeling a bit silly for my coming rant. But the hell with it, I’m ranting anyway.
Today I went a little crazy. Pretty sure they’ve posted my picture at city hall and have tightened up security. (They can afford to. How do you spell a**holes?) (Poor dad must be rolling over in his… jar?) Sorry. I digress. I do that… A lot.
So let me take you back. It was a cold and blustery winter day on the prairies. (Everyone who lives here thinks I’m an idiot. It’s always cold and blustery in the winter, on the prairies.) Sorry… digressing again! So I’m sitting at my computer (in my jammies) when I noticed this… (What should we call him? Commissionaire? I think I’ll go with d**kwad), so I notice this d**kwad (This was before I knew him. At which point he graduated to full-fledged-a**hole!), so this d**kwad is putting a ticket on my car. I jump up and run outside in my jammies. (I’m sure he thinks I’m on crack as I basically rolled out of bed and stumbled to my computer. I also live in a ‘questionable’ part of town.) I’m not stupid. (Some might argue that. Sit down in the back! This is my f-ing rant!) So, not stupid me meanders up to the d**kwad and asks in a very calm and nice voice, “Excuse me, sir, may I ask why you are giving me a ticket?
Before I go any further I must explain that in our lovely part of the world we get snow. Not the ‘oh look it’s snowing. Isn’t it lovely?” kind of snow. We get REAL snow. So the city likes to plow the snow into large snowbanks so that it becomes impossible to park our cars. They like to do this so they can ticket us for parking ‘more than 300 mm from the curb’. Of course we are parked more than 300 mm from the curb you d**kwads! There is NO WHERE else to park!
And now back to the story. We begin where the heroine (Me) first greets the d**kwad (d**kwad). “Excuse me, sir, may I ask why you are giving me a ticket?”
I would be here all day and you guys would be long gone if I told the entire story of what happened next. (Assuming you are still here?) So here is the gist of it: D**kwad explains that I am more than 300mm from curb. I explain I have no choice, said curb cannot be found. By now elderly neighbor lady is outside trying to nicely tell d**kwad that he should not be giving me a ticket. This is the point when d**kwad man turns into full-fledged-a**hole. (It was quite impressive really. Kind of like watching Mark Ruffalo’s character Dr Banner turn into the Hulk, except that I am not envisioning d**kwad man with no clothes.) Full-Fledged-A**hole tells elderly neighbor that had we been nice he would have kindly ripped up the ticket. If we had been nice?! How much f-ing nicer could we be? We were polite. We approached with caution. We did not, however, offer money or chocolate cake. Maybe we should have offered cake. Maybe my elderly neighbor should have stripped down right there and offered herself to d**kwad! Our mistake? At this point I asked full-fledged-a**hole why mine was the only car on the street he was ticketing? He told me that was none of my concern. I think full-fledged-asshole was afraid to ticket anyone else. He’d already dealt with delusional jammie woman and elderly neighbor. He was getting out while he could. It was at this point, he was getting in his car, that I told him I would be taking pictures of all the cars on the street. Then and only then did I call him by his first name: A**hole.
Court day came and I was armed with my pictures. It was then that the prosecutor told me to leave the pictures at home as they would do me no good. (I kind of felt like Bradley Manning. None of my evidence was going to be admissible in court.) So, long story short – Full-Fledged-A**hole blatantly lied in court. He drew a diagram of how I was parked and said that I was eight feet away from the curb! He also claimed that I had come out of my house screaming and swearing at him. When I finally had my turn to speak I explained to the judge (who, frankly, was about 80 years old and more than a little confused) that full-fledged-a**hole was lying. I also explained that every car on the street had been parked like me as we had no choice because of the snowbanks. Full-fledged-a**hole spoke up and said that I was the only car parked eight feet away. The other cars were only four feet away. I again explained that full-fledged-asshole was lying. It was then the judge told me he would have excused the ticket had I only been four feet away like the other cars. It was then he said I should have brought pictures. Unfortunately, you cannot tell The Man that the prosecutor and full-fledged-a**hole have conspired against you. Who is the judge going to believe – the prosecutor and full-fledged-a**hole, or the villenous parker? For a moment I saw the judge begin to sway my way, but the prosecutor quickly stepped in and explained that even if everyone on the block was parked eight feet away from said curb, that did not give me the right to break the law! She went on to explain that if he let me go, what was to stop me from say… parking in school zones or bus stops! OMG! I would have found me guilty as well! Her arguments were so strong and filled with raw emotion! I knew I was doomed. The judge had no recourse. He found in favor of The Man. Full-fledged-a**hole had won. The judge found me guilty. I would have to pay the ticket.
It’s been several weeks since that fateful day in court. I had stood against The Man and lost. Still, I held my head high as I went to city hall this morning to pay the ticket. I guess The Man wanted to twist the knife a little deeper – as I handed the ticket to the teller she informed me that they would be adding an additional $40 to the fine. Apparently, they like to add on these extra dollars just so they can squeeze every last bit of blood out of us citizens. I explained to the woman behind the counter that I was not upset with her. I was upset with The Man. So if anyone is looking to start a new/old movement sign me up! I’ll even make the cake.


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