The Woman In The Mirror

abused-womanWith eyes closed she ran the comb through her long thick hair, unable to find the courage she needed to face the woman in the mirror. Her reflection would not lie and she’d had enough truth in her life. Truth was a bad thing. Truth was not her friend. As long as she kept her eyes closed she could dream. She needed to dream – to escape.
The woman in the mirror taunted her – dared her to open her eyes. She dropped the comb and shook her head in answer to the woman in the mirror. Why did she torture her so? She knew what she’d been through. Why wouldn’t she leave her alone? I won’t let her get to me, she thought. I’ll show her, I’m stronger than she thinks.
Opening her eyes slightly, she reached, with shaking hands, for the comb, making certain to keep her eyes averted from the woman in the mirror, lest she see the fear she invoked.
It was too late. The woman in the mirror saw her chance and took it. “Do you think he’ll come to you tonight?”
“No,” she whispered.
“I think he will.”
“No,” she whispered again. “Not tonight.”
“It’s been a while. He’ll come.”
She looked at the woman in the mirror. “I said no. He won’t come. He knows I’m tired. He won’t come.”
Closing her eyes again she thought about the last time he’d used her. She could still feel his hands on her skin- touching her. She could feel his hot breath against her neck. How could he be so close and not hear her crying? Not feel her tears? Her shaking?
The knock on the bathroom door was barely audible. She opened her eyes and stared at the woman in the mirror. She looked smug. “He wants you.”
“I can’t.”
“You will.”
“I can’t.”
“Hon, are you coming to bed?” he called through the door.
“I can’t,” she whispered.
“You must.”
The bathroom door swung open and her husband walked in. “Who were you talking to?” he asked, noting the empty room.
“No one,” she lied.
“Good. Then come to bed.”
She followed him down the hall to their room. He wasn’t a bad man. In many ways he’d been a good husband. So why was it that she couldn’t bear the thought of him touching her? She watched as he pulled back the covers and removed his robe. Why was it that she now found his body so repulsive? She knew the woman in the mirror was right. Her reprieve was over. He lay on his side patting the bed, inviting her to join him. She climbed into bed beside him, thankful for the lack of light. At least he wouldn’t see her cringe when he reached for her. Not that he’d notice.
She turned on her side giving him her back in hope that he might leave her be, but he reached for her in the blackness of their room and pulled her against him. Rubbing his penis against her thighs he roughly pulled her nightgown above her hips. Her breath caught in her throat and she bit her lip to stop herself from crying out as he entered her. One hand crept up cupping her breast and she turned her face into the pillow to hide her humiliation from the night. Hot tears of shame burned the back of her eyes, then cautiously began their journey down her face. Holding back the sobs that were building in her chest, she prayed for him to finish quickly.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, but in reality had only been a few minutes, she felt his body tremble as he emptied his seed into her. He never moved from the position, but she knew he’d fallen asleep when a short time later he began to snore quietly.
Lifting his hand from her slim hips, she extricated herself from his grasp and stole down the hall to the bathroom. After closing the door and locking it, she placed the plug in the sink and filled it with water.
“Did you like it?”
“I can’t.”
“Apparently, you can.”
“I’m tired. I can’t do this,” she said, picking up a clean face-cloth and soaking it with soapy water before rubbing it vigorously between her legs.
“There’s more where that came from.”
Immersing the cloth again and again, she scrubbed until long after the pain began. She scrubbed until she was numb. Exhaustion finally claimed her and she slept, curled in a ball, her arms wrapped about her knees in an effort to stop the shaking.
“Honey, why do you have the door locked?”
She stood on trembling legs, her hand over her mouth. How had she fallen asleep?
“Unlock the door.”
“Ah… yeah… just a minute.”
Years of control had worn away at her. She didn’t know who she was anymore, who she wanted to be, but she longed to find out. How had she let it happen? When had she relinquished her rights? It wasn’t as though he beat her. He hadn’t hit her in years. She didn’t think he would either, yet somehow he continued to control her. Somehow she always felt on the defensive. He had a way of making her feel… not quite good enough. Never quite pretty enough, never quite smart enough, never quite anything.
The woman in the mirror laughed at her, “God, look at you. You’re pathetic. You have the power.”
“Yes you do. You’ve always had it,”
“Please. I can’t.”
“Yes you can.”
“Hon, open the door.”
She could tell from his tone that he was irritated that she had dared to lock him out. She pulled it open and let her husband in.
“Why was the door locked?”
“I had to go to the bathroom.”
“So? There’s no one here but me. You weren’t trying to keep me out were you?”
“No. I guess I wasn’t thinking.”
Satisfied with her answer he pressed her against the wall, his hands pulling up her nightgown. She flinched when he stuck his hand between her legs, his fingers digging their way inside. She thought she was going to be sick. How could this be happening? He had already used her once tonight. She could feel his erection as he leaned into her, forcing penetration. She tried to push him away, but he laughed, enjoying his control of her.
“Pretend you don’t want it.”
“Don’t.” She hated when he played his rape fantasy with her. It was too close to the truth.
“Come on, our sex life has become boring, mechanical.”
“I’m tired.”
“You’ve always got some excuse. You never want sex anymore, ever since you got your tubes tied. Maybe we should see about getting them untied.” He tried once more digging his fingers between her legs- hurting her- but she grabbed his hand, stopping him. He shook his head in disgust. Shoving her away as though suddenly repulsed, he turned and stalked down the hall to their bedroom.
Closing the door behind him, she leaned against the wall and closed her eyes.
She opened her eyes to find the woman in the mirror staring at her. “Leave me alone.”
“You call yourself a woman? How?”
She closed her eyes again. She had to escape, but where? How? She couldn’t let him touch her again. She couldn’t face the woman in the mirror anymore. She was beginning to think she was crazy. She reached for the door, opening it quickly, avoiding the woman in the mirror.
She crept quietly into the kitchen and took the car keys from the hook on the wall. She hesitated- where was she going to go? She didn’t have any money. She wasn’t even dressed. She didn’t care. She was going, and for now that was all that mattered.
Inside the safety of the car a thrill shot through her. She was really leaving. The adrenalin began rushing through her veins. She turned on the radio. They couldn’t hurt her anymore! Backing out of the driveway, she checked the rear-view mirror. Her heart leapt into her throat. The woman in the mirror had followed her. Stepping on the accelerator she sped down the road trying to block out the accusing stare of the woman in the mirror.
“I’m done listening to you.”
“You didn’t even bring your purse.”
She hadn’t even thought about it. How could she be so stupid?
The woman in the mirror saw the panic in her eyes and knew that she’d gotten to her. “Fuck. You can’t even leave right.”
“Shut-up.” She fumbled with the radio, turning it up as loud as it would go.
“You’ll have to go back.”
“I can’t hear you.”
Then the car began to sputter and choke. She pumped the gas pedal, but nothing happened. The steering wheel froze and the car stalled in the middle of the road.
“You’re not going anywhere, sweetheart.”
She tried the key but nothing happened.
“What an idiot. You’re out of gas.”
She tried the key again, but the fuel gauge told her that the woman in the mirror was right.
“What are you going to do now?”
“Shut-up!” She rested her head against the steering wheel.
The woman in the mirror continued to mock her.”You’re not crying again are you?”
“I said shut-up!”
The cry of a train wailed in the distance. What was she going to do now? She couldn’t go back. The train whistle blew again and she realized with horror that she had stalled on the tracks. She turned the key again and again. Nothing happened.
“Get out of the car, stupid.”
She tried the ignition once more, but it was futile.
The train was approaching fast. She could feel the ground beneath her begin to tremble. What was she going to tell her husband? She grabbed the door-handle. It was now or never. She had just enough time to escape before the train hit.
“Get out of the fuckin’ car!”
Her eyes locked with the woman in the mirror. For the first time she didn’t look quite so smart, quite so smug. In fact, she looked terrified. Her eyes were big and full of tears that had begun to pour down her face.
“You’re not crying are you?” She felt her lips turn up at the corners of her mouth and she began to laugh.
Letting go of the handle, she placed her hands back on the steering wheel, never breaking eye contact with the woman in the mirror.
She barely heard the impact of steel against steel – so intent was she on the death of the woman in the mirror; the woman who had robbed her of her sanity; the woman who had taken her life years before. She felt the train cut through her car. She welcomed the searing pain – welcomed death – welcomed peace from the woman in the mirror.


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